This is very funny: honest stories of mothers about childbirth
Internet is still a wonderful thing. Doctors, however, prohibit pregnant women from sitting far away from sin at the “mothers' forums” - they say no-no, no, no such thing in a fairy tale. But here are publics, where moms tell their stories to support others - this is wonderful. It is not always because the history of childbirth is terrible. There are fun.
We went over the world wide web and collected some funny stories about childbirth.
“I called my husband about 15 minutes after giving birth (2 am), in the background our daughter screams. “Romochka, I congratulate you, your daughter was born. Weight height". For fifteen seconds, the silence and thoughtful voice of her husband: “Aline, why are you troubled!” I was offended and hung up. I did not believe it, until my mother called him to congratulate him! Mom said: “I thought she was joking ...” And then he was terribly worried that he had offended me. Well, okay, why wake up you do not blurt out. "
“When the contractions became very strong, I, standing by the bed, showed the wonders of acrobatics: squeezed out of the bed, waved my legs in different directions, squatted ... The doctor entered, and I froze in the“ swallow ”position ... She approached, touched my forehead and asked : "What, really bad?" And I was already so carried away by the exercise, that I had already forgotten that my fight should be painful. "
“I think many people remember how after birth all iodine is processed. I will never forget this. A doctor, a man of about forty, a joker (in his opinion), splashed iodine there with all the dope and was going to leave somewhere ... And then I could not stand it, he tortured me during childbirth, and I say: “And blow?” , you should have seen his face. ”
“I remembered that during the fight it was advised to squat down, supposedly that way easier, crouched down, and snappy sparks fell from my eyes! I tried all the poses, then I found my own at random: I leaned on the window sill, bent my legs and sang “Your mother, your mother, your maaat” in a low voice. Helped awesome. "
“My husband and I are veterinary doctors. I gave birth badly: 12 hours of contractions, cesarean, resuscitation ... When I came to myself after anesthesia, I saw a smiling husband.I ask: "Is the child alive?" Healthy? And is the bite normal? "" Yes, - the husband answered, - and the tail was already stopped ... "
“On the day when my mother was born, Granny and Grandpa had guests, many relatives. And when the oil ran out, they sent my granny to fetch him. Not reaching the store, Grandma felt contractions, the birth began swiftly, the waters broke. She could no longer walk, clutched at a tree. To her happiness, a car with military men drove by, and they drove her to the nearest hospital. There she gave birth as soon as she arrived. From the hospital, they called the grandfather who was waiting for her from the store: “You have a girl!” My grandfather, apparently from confusion, muttered: “What girl, I sent her for butter ...”
“I was waiting for the third, and my husband, by tradition, was at sea. He did not meet any of the hospital. I'm alone with the kids. Parents live in the house next door. Term 38 weeks with me. And suddenly something on Thursday night I got something: I need to define Lech (middle) from Monday to the garden. He was sick, but already recovered. Nothing for him to filonit. But a clever idea still struck me. To go with him to the clinic in the afternoon - still get infected. I'll go to the beginning of the reception. By 8 am They called a taxi, arrived, were the first, waiting for the doctor.And suddenly I realize that the younger one decided to start being born. Controlling the process, I go down to the registry, explain the situation and ask to call a taxi home - at that time not everyone had mobile phones. They all understood and called all at once - a taxi, an ambulance and for some reason the police. The very first traffic cops arrived. I also managed to write out my son. And call my mother to go to us: Leshik will not leave you alone. The keepers of order under the siren took us home. I have a big job and the map of the house had to be picked up. At the same time, they strictly ordered that, as soon as the ambulance appeared, to send her after me. While I was putting the last things in my bag, both the sergeant and the lieutenant were relieving stress. Our cognac. The sergeants shook hands, and the lieutenant - the lower jaw. The ambulance arrived, my mother and I settled in it, but the police could no longer let the process take its course. They rode with a siren in front of our ambulance and shouted at the girl, where we, in fact, are in a hurry. And where should all the other car enthusiasts take off with their buckets.
It is good that we rode under their guard. Morning, a lot of cars ... Transient birth and a son at 9:35 am. "
“The first day was a false labor activity (I almost lost my mind), almost all the time I talked with my husband on the phone, an hour before the birth the doctor turned off the phone.When I gave birth, they gave me a phone, and I naturally call my husband ... What do you think he told me? What are you saying, the phone turned off? I'm worried, and she turns off the phone ... What, he says, for jokes? Damn, I say, you gave birth to a son! He: “What, is everyone already? And what's the phone off? ”
“We are sitting at the head doctor's office, she describes how they are doing well, agitating for childbirth with her husband. I refuse. She goes on to say how great it is, I’m already saying in my heart: I don’t want to give birth with my husband! She told me: well, you do not want with your husband, you can with any other man. ”
“The 38th week of pregnancy, I had insomnia. At three in the morning I lay down in bed, and then the water runs off! No fights, nothing, I feel great. I'm waking my husband: “Vasya, get up! Vasya, I need a maternity hospital. ” “Why?” - “I'm giving birth to me!” - “Why?” - “Vasya, my waters have moved away ...” He jumps up, starts running around the room, like a wounded lion, cut into circles. "There is a fight?" - a whisper. No, I say, everything is fine. Then he comes up to me and so quietly, gently strokes the head and says: “Masha, well, you are pregnant ... well ... everyone happens ... maybe ... you ... describe yourself?" I say, is you crazy? And what do you think? Turned on the computer, climbed into the Internet and called an ambulance only after I read,What is needed urgently in the hospital! I gave birth only at 4:45 pm, and until that time he had all gone to the neighbors at home and read: “Well, what if he does not give birth? Well, suddenly described? Well, who does not happen? Suddenly mixed up? ”
“I give birth, yell, howl as much, and they stand above me, as in a museum, and quietly talk like this:“ Look, what an interesting hymen ”. "Yes, yes, a rare form ..."
“I became very well during pregnancy (by 24 kg) and became just an elephant. I had a long and difficult childbirth, but in the end they made KS. After two nurses tried to put me on a gurney, and since I was fat, like an elephant, they could not lift me. We started to lament that I was fat and it was time to lose weight, to which I in a dazed state asked where their badges were, “If you want to lose weight, ask me how.”
“When I was transferred to the postpartum, my mother and sister came to me. Me: "Well, I still have a big belly?" Mom: "Well, for six months." Sister: "You will give birth again in three months."
“I have four, for the last time I went to give birth, as on the exam, to which I had learned everything, knew everything. She lay down on the chair (and there it’s necessary, like a frog to lie down - your knees to the sides, heels to the pope), and the male doctor says: "What a flexible woman!" I didn’t hear, and the next attempt came ”.
“I read a lot of jokes about how mothers were discharged from the maternity hospital in incredible clothes, but did not think that I would have to end up in such a situation. I prepared all the clothes, the older daughter (17-year-old) gave the CO, the day before I called again to check, I heard: “Mom, calm down finally, stop calling, I remember everything! Well, I was discharged in February on ice and snow in rubber slippers and down-padded coat. “But didn’t you, mother, have you got any boots in the maternity hospital?” They stood all week in the hallway of the house. ”
“I went to give birth to my lyalechka. She is in pelvic presentation. When she was halfway born, the doctor said: “Hmm, how she looks like her mother ...“ I will not say that it made me laugh, but I remembered the staff’s laughter. ”
“My first acquaintance with a doctor in the postpartum began with the words:“ Hello, girl, all men are goats! ”This is despite the fact that he himself was a man!”
“Nurses came, they taught us, newly-made mothers, to swaddle, put diapers on, and they said that every three hours they nailed the navel with green paint and peroxide. Morning. Again, bypassing the staff, looked at the table of my boy, then the neighbor. And then I hear: “Oh, my God, what kind of green crocodile is this ?!” Everyone fell out.Picture: the baby is covered with green stuff, starting from the arms, legs and the whole belly. Mummy - a similar look. It turned out that she, clearly following the instructions, even decided to lubricate the navel at night, and the little girl kicked her leg and knocked a jar of green paint to her. ”
“I am lying in the chair, the doctor sews up. And then someone calling her from the corridor calls: “Elena Petrovna, where are you?” She: “Here!” “Where ?!” She (after thinking a little and coughing): “At the vagina!” I was ashamed.
“We had an obstetrician there, a handsome man — tall, healthy, dark-haired and with bright blue eyes. When he came, she just woke up to a neighbor on the intensive and shouted to the whole ward: “Oh my God! Angel! “The midwife was flattered. He said it was the best compliment. ”
“After 13 hours of labor, the attempts began, and in order for the daughter to go down quickly, the doctor put me on my feet near the sink (when the attempt was to rinse my face). A treacherous mirror hung over the sink. When I saw myself, for some reason my first thought was: “And how does he (the husband) sleep with me, I'm so terrible”. But then an attempt began, and all my unnecessary thoughts immediately went away. ”
“And most of all I remember the farewell word of the doctor in the hospital about the children: do not boil anything! NothingDo not iron! Nothing to smear! Bathe from the first day with water from the tap! Feed and walk as much as you like and when you want, and without interruption, and then feed and walk again! And do not listen to any district pediatricians and patronage sisters! The next day, my sister comes to me. “Boil? On both sides of the iron? Feeding mode - 3.5 hours? A navel smear so and so? No! "Oh, and she looked askance at me ..."
“When I gave birth (I gave birth alone in that maternity hospital that evening), it was very boring, and, probably, in order to lighten the mood of the whole hospital, I opened the window at a fight and screamed into the street. And it seemed to me that helps. But soon the midwife came and scolded me. Well, I took it and bit it. Then she went to apologize, it was so embarrassing. ”
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